losing it

My little rainbow baby.

Remington Andrew John.

Both my sons are the absolute loves of my life. My absolute everything. Beauty, euphoria, love…

Remi is a toddler now, and he’s so flipping smart. He’s adventurous and wild and imaginative and he does so many things that make us laugh all the dang time.

But he’s also stubborn and crazy.

Last month, he ran away from us in a Walmart. This was the first time he ran away from us in a public space. I was healing from being sick, and I was holding Ryder, so I couldn’t chase him as quickly as I normally do. So when he went around the corner, and I got around the corner a minute later, he was gone. Disappeared.

I had never been so terrified.

The Walmart employee who saw me panicking got on their walkie talkie and said a code word, and suddenly so many employees were searching for my boy.

Trevor found him under a clothes rack like five minutes after initially losing him, but it felt like ten years.

I never want to relive that moment.

Then, two days ago…

We were at library storytime, which we go to weekly. At this point he knows our local libraries like the back of his hand. He does a scavenger hunt in each of them, and always plays so hard. He feels comfortable asking the librarians questions, and he’s just very confident inside each because of the familiarity.

But when he climbed on a bench to search for a gnome for his scavenger hunt, the cushion slipped underneath his foot and he came tumbling down.

I ran over to him as he was crying, and he wouldn’t stop. Usually he’s pretty resilient, but he just kept yelling.

After about five minutes he stopped crying so loudly and stated, “My head still hurts, Mom.” So I felt his head, and felt a lump. I immediately thought how crazy it was there was already a knot from the fall, and told him so.

And when I pulled my hand away it was absolutely covered in blood. My stomach dropped. My insides twisted. I immediately broke out in a sweat.

I turned him around and looked at where I had felt and a gaping wound right on his precious little head greeted me. It was terrifying.

A friend who was at storytime helped me take the boys to the car, and tried to keep me calm. But I was a mess.

Trevor wasn’t answering the phone. I felt alone and worried.

I kept making Remi talk to me.

I felt like the worst mother in the world.

He was perfectly fine by the time we got to the ER. He was playing and joking and loved the nurses and doctors. He said he felt like a patient from Doc McStuffins.

He needed two staples in the back of his head…

My belly churns when I think about it.

I can’t imagine something seriously happening to these beings. I love them so fucking much it hurts my heart.

Yesterday, Remi asked to go to “school” which means Y watch at the YMCA. I was due for a workout — despite having hesitations — so off we went, and when we pulled up he was suddenly resistant to wanting to go in.

He said he wanted to go home, and then changed his mind and said he wanted to go in. I told him if he wanted to leave to ask to call me, and five minutes into my workout they did so — stating he was ready to leave.

On the way home he said, “Mom, I just didn’t know it’d be so hard.”

I asked, “What’d be so hard, honey?”

And he replied, “Everything, Mom. Everything.”

I get it.

We got home and played in the backyard for an hour before a delicious dinner. We sat at the table and told each other how much we loved each other. We cuddled on the couch afterward.

It’s been a hard couple days, but it’s also been beautiful. It’s been filled with little moments I’m so incredibly grateful for.

We just have to go through the hard stuff to get to the good stuff.

I just hope my boys are happy, healthy, and safe. Forever.