the very first

Welcome to my blog.

Where I plan to post the very long stream of gibberish that are my thoughts. Or rather, that in which is “me.” This includes things about my book, the books I’m reading, the things I’m watching, my podcast episodes, and more.

I am currently behind on, well, everything.

I am spending the rest of 2023 merging my many ideas, passions, thoughts, businesses, and life. I’m making it more organized, coherent, and professional — while still maintaining my true self in every aspect. I have grown so much in the past few years, and I’m currently at a spot where I feel an internal peace like I have never felt.

It is beautiful, time-consuming, and exhausting.

Especially doing this while my babies are being raised and taught by me.

Especially while being a good wife.

Especially while taking care of a home.

Especially while working a weekend job.

I am tired in every sense of the word, and I go from feeling like I’m drowning to feeling like I'm flying every other week.

And I annoy myself.

It is a balancing act of feeling too selfish and not feeling like I ever give myself enough grace. I feel like a walking paradox, which makes sense since I am a Gemini.

And I’m human.

And I know that if I don’t focus on bettering my life, even if it is all consuming and exhausting, nobody else will. It’s up to me to create the life I want. The life I dream of.

And boy, do I dream.

I dream of having a one story house with four bedrooms, three bathrooms, and an office. I dream of having a play space that I can customize for the babies, and an outdoor garden with a chicken coop and fenced in yard. I dream of being by the water, where we can be surrounded by greenery while floating down the waterways in our boat. I dream of being able to help my family, and having the time/money I need to spend time with them the way I want to. Without guilt.

I dream of being successful, both spiritually and monetarily.

When I wake up, even on the days I really really do not want to, I challenge myself to do any one thing that pushes me one step further.

I work on both goals everyday by placing stepping stones along my road that I trust will guide me to the right path.

I have been manifesting these things since I was little.

I used to tell the librarian when I was a little girl that one day I’d own a “chicken and a duck.” That’s what I would say every single time I went and talked with her. I would own a chicken and a duck. And I still plan on it.

I told my second grade teacher I wanted to be an author. I had my fourth grade teacher want to have a parent meeting because the graphic scenes in the book I wrote even then. I now am an author, graphic scenes and all.

I have obtained my personal training certification, an associate’s degree in English, and I have a half-assed business plan for the same business I’ve dreamed of starting since I was eighteen and dumped the first boyfriend I lived with when he thought it would be “our business.”

This has been my dream for as long as I can remember.

I have been creating my world slowly, just like I create and morph the world I create in my writing.

And in both, I make a ton of mistakes.
But I try to learn and do better.

I would really love to be successful in both the world of writing books and eventually the creation of my own business.

I would love to open a dispensary, and help kill the stigma surrounding cannabis.

I would love for my dispensary to have walls of bookshelves, maybe even a sliding ladder, and sell juice/coffee that has great sourcing and tastes delicious.

I would love to offer low-cost yoga classes to help others with their mental health in a field that is usually hard to afford.

I want to help others help themselves.

I want to create a world that allows me to live freely, and I want it to be one that helps me while it helps others.

I want to make one feel normal in their own body, and learn how to cope with the anxiety and depression that is inevitable within this world.

But I want to do so while pointing out the bullshit, and be honest in what I see. Even if it’s bullshit within ourselves. Within myself.

The same way my personality consists of being a walking paradox, the way I deal with the world is to tell you to fuck off but tell you I love you all within the same breath. I want to be truth and light.

But mainly, I want anybody who comes around me to feel okay existing, and feel alright with just being.

I want people to be able to step inside my business, or be able to read my books, and leave the world they’re in for another place entirely. I want to make people forget who they are for one minute, and in the process be able to empathetically find themselves within the world or word of others. Enough so, that when they finally come back to the world they left they find that they’re a different person entirely.

And in doing so, I want to learn about and grow within myself as well.

We all have so much more growing to do. I am no exception.

Anyways, I plan on accomplishing these dreams of love.

Because I am love.

And so are you.

I am grateful we’re here.

This is just the beginning.

Thank you for reading this.

Thank you for existing.

Keep dreaming.