anticipation
I’m ready for fall.
I’m ready for sweaters and a slower pace and to just be able to rest inside and not feel guilty. The rain is beating against the windows and the fireplace is perfectly warm. Halloween decorations are out, and cookies are in the stove.
This summer has been nuts.
Every day I wake up and do the typical routine that I’ve referenced hundreds of times before, but then I’m also trying to fit in all the other stuff. The summer classes, the business shit, family events, the boys birthdays.
I’m just tired, bruh.
My parents visited, and although I stated I had no expectations…somehow I was still disappointed.
It’s been a couple weeks since they left and I just really miss THEM, but even when they were here I didn’t really get to see them outside of events or actively doing something for the events.
I miss sitting on the patio and talking/smoking with my dad.
I miss my mom being able to remember the things she said, and follow through with the things she says she’d do and continuously promises.
I think I truly don’t have any expectations, but then my mom SAYS all these things that are going to happen (“I’m going to come over and hang out with you while you do your stuff,” “I’ll be there at 10am so I can go to the kids class with you,” “I would love to watch the boys so you and Trevor can get a date night,” “Can I spend the night tonight?”) And then over and over again those statements are forgotten about, they don’t happen, and I’m disappointed. I hate it. I feel like such a little girl, just waiting around for her mom to actually care about my feelings. It’s so stupid.
Anyways, lol.
I’m doing good aside from the typical parent/child trauma. But at least I have parents lmfao. Ones who visit me, and love me. I am lucky in the grand scheme.
Also, when they were here my niece was born!! SHE IS MAGICAL. Perfect in every sense of the word. So many feelings and weird thoughts. We’ll write those later though.
I’ve been listening to a ton of Kill Tony during all my things, and I’m OBSESSED.
It’s just so damn good.
I’ve secretly started writing little comedy skits, even though they’ll never see the light of day lmfao. After all, I’m a girl. So my chances of actually being funny are slim. (Joking, lmfao.)
Last month, I ran almost 35 miles.
Which as somebody who is not a runner at all, it feels really fucking good.
Remi completed his swim class and his STEAM class, and officially starts pre-k next month. In the same week he will be starting a karate class and the next level of swim classes. He can already read and write his ABC’s, count to 20, draw his numbers to 10, and he is just brilliant.
Today is also Ryder’s birthday. He already says a ton of words and sentences, tries to keep up with everything his brother does, and he literally tests everything he knows he isn’t supposed to do. EVERYTHING. If you say it’s dangerous, he’s going to try and do it. The most insane, stubborn, smart little man.
The boys are getting so big, and it’s so damn beautiful to watch. I don’t know how I even have two kids, let alone ones that are on the verge of leaving toddlerhood.
I am just soaking this season of life in.
I turn my nose to the sunsets as much as I can, and I let the sun rays beam down on my face as much as I can. I feel the wind, and smell the flowers, and I take in every single laugh that happens around me. I’ve been visiting with friends, and focusing on my photography. And I'm grateful.
I just really want to be here as much as possible. Existing.
I have also been talking to God a lot, thanking the Creator for everything that is.
I want time to write, and time to focus on my shit after a long break. But I am good. I am thriving. Life is beautiful.
I can do this.
I am doing this.
Look at us go.