the most important job in the world

As always, life is this weird hodgepodge of feelings and moments.

I’m slowly learning to just deal with it by embracing it and riding the waves. But boy is that hard to do sometimes.

Regardless, though, I’ve been learning that even when life is taking a fat stinky dump on your face you can still remain disciplined in the positive by smelling the roses (lmfao).

Even when I’ve been overwhelmed, or stressed, or exhausted, I’ve continued my everyday routine. I tried to be patient with MYSELF. I told myself 573 times that IT IS TEMPORARY, and just because I’m feeling negative doesn't mean life is bad by any means.

It just means my brain is an asshole.

I’m coming out of a three+ week bout of depression where my brain just kept trying to convince me that I am a failure. I’m not as far ahead as I should be, I don’t have as much time to focus on my passions, Ryder is a psycho terrible two and it is ALL MY FAULT. It felt like everything was stacking, and because of how much energy and time everything took I wasn’t able to do it to the standard I would expect of myself. It was just so much.

But truly, my brain puts so much pressure on me to be great that sometimes I forget how great I already am.

I am great because I am doing my absolute best, and that’s all I can do. I try my hardest to be so good. I try my hardest to DO good. My intentions will never be anything but good. And that’s enough.

I feel like I’ve wrote this same blog post twenty times at this point. The ebb and flow of life, and the feeling that it’s all too much, not enough, and just right simultaneously.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot, though.

And I think in my brain I crave stimulation. I always want to be doing, thinking, and planning the next thing. It’s a part of who I am as a person, but inherently I think is in all of us somehow. I want to be examining the past so I can “be better” or whatever. And even though I’ve tried really hard to focus on the positive present, sometimes I struggle with the mundane regularities where I DON’T WANT TO BE PRESENT.

Like, just waking up and having to deal with the boys fighting to get dressed or to eat breakfast or get out the door in time, and then the everyday rush to school drop off, and then walking into the gym and seeing the same people doing the same thing — and I’m just one of them — and then going home and feeding the dogs and making lunch and fighting Ryder about his nap. Then having to clean and make dinner and work on my stuff. AND EVERY DAY IT IS THE SAME THING. I literally see the same people, the same buildings, have the same conversations….every single day.

For real, I could tell you at 8:11 I am going to be walking into this building five days a week And Ryder will say “I press button!” And the same man named Corey says “good morning!” and does a little head nod at me and the same bald woman with little skirt workout outfits is eating a snack by the lockers outside the fitness center.

And it just feels SO Truman Show.

I know I could do things to switch it up…like go on a hike instead of workout at the gym (but then I wouldn't get any alone time throughout the day), or drive around for nap time (which, definitely valid but then I can’t things done at home). It constantly feels like sacrifice, which really bothered me.

Until I prayed about it.

And I read some verses.

And I realized that in doing the mundane you are serving yourself and your family, and thus serving the Lord.

Which sounds woo woo mumbo jumbo, I know…but listen.

When I was sad, I was still serving my home by keeping it clean.

Serving my family by keeping up with their expectations and consistently telling them I love them.

Serving myself by taking 5 or more days a week to do vigorous exercise, regardless if I was feeling motivated or not (because let's be real, I was NOT motivated). I made sure to take my vitamins during my morning coffee time. I made sure to make time for the sauna after my workouts, even if it meant ten more less minutes of work. I made sure to go outside.

Serving my work by continuing to devote time to photoshoots and writing.

Serving my friends when they’ve needed me, even when I’ve felt stressed by time or overwhelmed in my own life.

Serving God by doing multiple Bible studies per week, with introspection, prayer, and evaluation.

This is the first time in my life I’ve been continuously disciplined in the things that need to get done and are good for me, and actually have a hardcore routine that takes up all of my time in order to get it all done. But I’m doing it!! And I may not see outward changes RIGHT NOW; everything may seem SO much of the same…but there is a flood of changes I can’t see (and some physical appearance changes I can actually).

And as the fog is lifting yet again, I feel good. I feel strong, capable, and more patient within life. I feel like I’m still a good role model, still a good mother, still a good wife. I feel like I’m chiseling out exactly the kind of PERSON I want to be, even if I can’t DO what exactly I want to do in this season.

I’m still growing. I’m still learning. But even at my worst, I’m still stronger than my brain and my negative thoughts. FUCK YOU BRAIN. DO YOU EVEN KNOW ABOUT PANGEA?!

Am I exactly where I want to be at the time I want it to happen? No.

But I feel proud. And not in a do it like me sort of way, but in a do it like you and we can talk about it sort of way.

I’m exactly where I need to be to become who I eventually am destined to become. In order to be somebody who can eventually tackle what I need to do when I’m capable of doing it the way I dream. To connect with God, myself, and everyone in my world the way I need to connect with them. Everything I’m doing is sustaining, growing, building, and serving those around me in my life — including myself. And I may be biased, but right now that seems like the most important job in the world.