Anxiety and religion or somethin’

So, tonight I found out my three year old is afraid of the dark.

Or at least, he was tonight.

Which the super moon just happened.

Which, does that mean anything?

I don’t know.

But I, myself, felt extremely anxious.

And he always feels what I’m feeling.

I also used to be so afraid of the dark (still am sometimes), and would oftentimes have really intrusive thoughts specifically at night. Sleep paralysis was common as a kid, and it sucked.

I still remember some of the nightmares I couldn’t escape from, scarring me like firsthand trauma.

Anyways, after a too-long bedtime, when I was finally alone, I ended up meditating/praying.

And I felt like light beamed from my soul and wrapped around my entire house in a form of protection.

And I saw my negative thoughts like the dementors in Harry Potter, where one bad thought is the beginning of the siphon. And then the more I was falling into the thought, the more the despair grew the siphon. The connection to the dark.

I was seeing myself from an hour beforehand, falling into the dark thoughts, and letting the beam of darkness enter into my whole being.

And the opposite is the light.
Taking over the darkness, a literal spiritual war just demolishing the dark with the radiance. Becoming the radiance. Becoming the protection.

Seeing every path, every interconnection of light vs. dark and seeing which path adds to which pot. Does that make sense?

I do this or I do that, which is it going to affect more…the light or the dark path?

People, jobs, words…it’s all such a careful game of serving oneself without letting the ego take over, but also serving others without forgetting to serve yourself. Sacrifices and selfish choices.

Anyways, before I fall back into the anxiety…

Remember to breathe.

COUNT TO TEN.

Breathe.

Seriously.

As I did, I remembered how important creation is.

Even the simple nature of creating breath.

I think everything that I relate to a disservice to my growth is anything having to do with non-creation.

The distractions.

The “sins.”

The habits.

The intrusive thoughts.

Internet, alcohol, drugs, television.

Consumption, consumption, consumption.

None of these involve creation.

Usually not by you anyway.

And so it is nothing but consumption.

And without creation, only consumption, your magic begins to fade.

It’s all getting filtered to you.

All those thoughts, feelings, songs, news stories, shows, storylines, podcasts, books, etc. All by others. Things made with feeling, albeit the intention behind the feeling is a whole other conversation, are being filtered to you at now unprecedented speed.

Add in the addictions, the coffee or the Zoloft, the weed or the wine, and suddenly you become numb to it all too.

Truly, in every sense of the phrase, trapped on the loop.

You begin to believe that the only time you’re happy is when you’re unmoving. Intaking.

And it begins to kill the little seed to create that exists inside of you.

It hugs it and overpowers it and slowly chokes it out, until you almost forget about that part of yourself at all.

Creating becomes so obsolete that the thought of creating anything is overwhelming. The self-doubt is too strong, so you go back to consuming. It feels better.

But then you’re only experiencing other beings’ creations.

And you stop creating.

Which is the purpose of everything.

To create is to progress.

TO CREATE IS TO PROGRESS.

It is to say fuck the stagnation, fuck the battle, fuck the thoughts. I am serving myself through growth and serving others through art. Even if it is to do nothing more but inspire more art.

Even if it is to do nothing but to have been made.

To explode out of your mind and into something more.

Physical.

Beautiful.

It is to make a mark of your existence that you are in fact real, and you can use your magic to keep the world going — and maybe make it better.

Make yourself better.

To create, and learn, is to grow.

But too much creation stagnates as well. It’s the reversed siphon, where you’re taking particles from inside you and just giving giving giving without any actual intake.

There has to be an intake of both consumed experiences and lived experiences.

It has to be the perfect balance.

There’s a balance to absolutely everything in life.

And knowing this, I guess my fear is ever falling too far into one choice where things feel unbalanced.

I don’t want to become too much of any one thing, because I want to grow in everything.

I want to be able to be present in everything and everyone I experience, without the burden of other things.

I don’t want to become obsessed with any one thing, but I want to give everything the respect and honor it deserves just for existing.

Even spirituality.

And I think that’s why I get upset when someone tries to label me a specific thing.

Because I am everything, goddammit.

I don’t know. Everything is what you make it.

What you give time to is what you serve.

Because you are.

And you can either fall into the darkness of that thought, or turn it into something more. Something powerful. Something great.

You are who you are.

Be free.

And breathe.

This is my creation to battle the darkness. Enjoy.