doing shit that scares me

I cannot believe it’s March.

Life has been moving at such high speeds lately. Although, I look back on past journals and find that every single year I have thought this, so maybe it has always been this way…

It just feels like it can’t slow down, even though I’ve got really good at slowing down and breathing in each individual moment. It still spirals. It’s always on to the next thing before I can ever feel comfort in the moment I’m in. It just goes so fast.

The boys brought home a sickness, and so after getting really sick I ended up waking up the other night not being able to breathe at all. I went to the walk-in clinic, got a steroid and nebulizer breathing treatment, and am all good again. It’s just wild realizing that one portion of our body is responsible for the entire well-being of so many other things inside of us. Most of the time I don’t even realize I’m breathing, until I have to do it manually that is…and then, suddenly, everything else can’t run as properly when you have to work for your breath because you’re afraid if you don’t you’ll die.

Yeah, not fun.

But we survived.

And I think that’s the basis of literally everything, really.

Feeling like I can’t breathe, thinking one wrong step will cause sure death, waiting for what’s next, but then realizing the true success and health was in what was there the entire time. Breath.

I don’t know. I’m just realizing how much I go through these spurts of feeling like I’m drowning, but in reality it’s all working manually toward something until I can glide and breathe automatically for a while. Until I need to go back into manual overdrive that is.

Anyways, I am putting in two weeks notice at my mundane weekend job tomorrow.

And I go on vacation in two weeks.

And I have so many weekends booked for photography sessions and author events after we come back.

And I think that’s so beautiful.

I was so nervous, so hesitant to quit…I like knowing that I get a paycheck every two weeks. I like being able to count on that…

But within hours of saying I think I might agree to quit, I had multiple strangers message me about a photoshoot, and a place message me back about an author event.

It was like God was just like “Stop being scared.”

And that’s really fucking beautiful.

I am excited for all that’s ahead, for trusting the universe/God, and trusting myself enough to make this decision.

I deserve it.

And not because the world owes me anything, but because I deserve to reap the benefits of the work I’ve put in.

I put my absolute all into the things I love, and aside from my faith and my family and my friends, my love of writing and photos beats out almost everything else. I work my booty off to learn, grow, develop…to fit in these “hobbies” in every crevice my life allows…

And now I get the opportunity to make it into something bigger.

I am just feeling so many things about it all.

I am so courageous. And lucky. And loved. And loving.

I am so many things, and I’m really fucking proud of myself.

My new book is out, and with it I am learning even more about myself. Building a catalog to eventually promote all I am.

I am making steps toward being able to do that.

Tomorrow, I’m doing open mic again at a coffeeshop downtown. Last time I did so (my first time doing it) the place was packed, and this time even more people are expected. And people I know will be there who aren’t Jayda and Ben and Ben’s mom. Last time, I made sure not to tell anybody, but this time I told a few people. And everybody I told is attending.

Fuck.

That makes me nervous, but I also know I will do well.

I know my writing because it is my soul, and even though speaking my soul aloud seems terrifying it is also extremely cathartic.

I will connect with more souls.

I will grow.

As I always am doing.

I am also entering to be apart of an art contest, and I’ve been applying to multiple artist events locally. It is such a process, to learn an entire community and try to nudge yourself inside.

Especially while learning how to accept that some people just won’t jive with you, and that’s okay.

I think I’ve been liked by the majority of people for so long, or at least accepted, that saying something or reading something from the deepest crevice of myself and knowing somebody isn’t going to like it has really been tough.

But that’s silly. That’s ego.

I need to stop being so terrified of offending, causing discomfort, saying the wrong thing.

I know my intentions.

And my intentions will lead to more love and thought.

I just am learning to fully trust myself.

The world is scary out there.