surviving
I read a lot of Chicken Soup for the Soul when I was younger.
If you’re unfamiliar of what that is, it consists of a lot of really meaningful or impactful stories sent in by a variety of people. They were always a few pages long, but the ending or message within them hit you with a punch to the gut.
Seriously, by the end of most of them I would be sobbing, my heart heavy, ready to hug anybody I came into contact with in fear of all they were keeping inside.
I also watched a lot of South Park and Breaking Bad though, which is probably how you get this conglomerate of an emotional, sadistic, weird, insane girl.
ANYWAYS (lmfao), a few months after I gave birth, I remember reading an article about a toy drive for kids in need…and I couldn’t stop weeping.
Even thinking about it now brings me to tears, but suddenly as I loved and caressed my baby next to a warm fireplace in a safe home, I became very aware that some babies will never have that. Some babies go through life without affection or care, without warmth of any kind. Some babies live in fear, surrounded in cold.
And I just wish I could wrap them in my arms and save them all.
But it’s unrealistic.
It’s not possible.
So I have to turn the nozzle off, and numb the reality into a passing mental blip.
I read, watch, and consume to erase the truth.
But every pair of eyes I see filled with trauma reminds me of all the giant babies walking around, attempting to heal their inner child as wandering adults.
And I just want it to be okay.
My privilege, luck, knowledge, and drive have all made my problems feel minuscule in comparison to all this cruel world has within it.
Even when I’m suffering.
I remind myself of all I have, and it makes me feel a sense of guilt.
I wish I could do more.
I wish I could be more.
If I work harder, if I just get ahead, maybe I could somehow help.
That’s why I never try to bring my pain to others, but instead shine a light…
Shed some sense of hope for something brighter.
I want to encapsulate love,
until it bleeds from my every crevice
In hopes of bandaging the scars of others.
I want to breathe in their problems
And replace them with a sense of understanding.
I want to provide a moment in time
Where the agonizing spiral of existence
Isn’t so heavy.
Even when I am barely surviving,
I want to provide a way to survive.
