Moving across country

In 2021, I packed up my little Honda CRV, loaded it with my dogs, husband, and kid (while 20 weeks pregnant) and off we went.

It was an emotional, exciting adventure. Trevor and I had both been born and raised in the little city we were leaving behind, but we also were leaving both sets of still-living parents and my brother and sister-in-law who were also pregnant with their first baby…my first nephew.

At the time, I couldn’t focus on anything but the new things ahead. I had a house to sell and pack, things to go through, a job to quit, routes to plan, hotels to book, a new house to purchase, stuff to unpack, a kid to raise…it was exhausting, and frankly I couldn’t focus on anything but the trip itself and what actively had to be done.

When we finally arrived to Wisconsin from California, it felt unbelievable to be honest. Nothing felt real. And I was still very pregnant at that point, had my child’s second birthday to plan, new furniture to get, a whole town to learn, etc. etc.

It was a wild ride.

And then I had Ryder, and became incredibly depressed.
For about six months, I thought about killing myself everyday.
I loved my baby so much, but the thoughts were spiraling and so was I.
The help was limited, my mind was exhausted.

Now, here I am in a much better place in my life. I still mentally struggle about the nonstop commitment of motherhood with lack of anybody to help take the weight off, and I am always overwhelmed by what’s going on — but I am also so in love with my little family, my home, and the place I now live.

But, now that we’ve been here a while and it is fully starting to feel like home, I am beginning to see all that had to be left behind. And it really freaking hurts.

I didn’t get to meet my nephew until he was over a year old, and it was only a brief few day visit. I thought I would be able to visit more. I thought it’d be less expensive. I thought life would settle down. But it’s more expensive than ever and life is busier than ever, and so I have to live the auntie life through photos and videos of my beautiful baby nephew. And now they’re expecting another, and I’m going to have to miss that too.

I wish I could help more, and help in the way I so desperately needed after birth. I wish I could be there, and it hurts my heart so fucking much.

My best friend had just lost her husband, less than a year prior.
Her husband died and then her best friend on the planet moved across the country. And I just hate it. I feel horrible even typing the words. It fucking sucks. All of it. That can be a whole other blog post, a whole book…but leaving my best friend in her time of grief was agonizing.

Leaving my family. I finally had a good set of in-laws, and was closer than ever with my husband’s stepmom’s kids — and Remi loves them all so much. He would hang with their daughter, and spend the night at Trevor’s Dad’s house. And meanwhile…we left.

Leaving my parents. My parents helped us move, and were so supportive. For so long they claimed they were going to move too, but I highly doubt that is going to become a reality. The longer I stay, the more health problems occur. I see my parent’s joke about it, and I also hear the fear in their voice they try to mask. Each of them are suffering health-wise, and it fucking sucks I’m across the country and can’t do anything to help or even just be there.

We left a four bedroom home. Which, I mean, is the least bit of traumatizing of all this. But now, living in an extremely small home, it is felt.

It is all just a lot of thoughts. A lot of guilt.

But out of all this, do I regret moving? No. I know it was needed to save my life, and to experience something I so desperately needed to experience.

I have loved exploring, and seeing new places in my new home.
The community here is incredible, and raising kids in a place like this seemed like a far away dream at one time. One that was unattainable.

But we made happen.

I am so proud of us for the leaps we took to accomplish this dream.

It is haunting all that I left behind, but it is beautiful all that was obtained in the process. All that was learned. All the growth.

I am so proud of us.