1AM thoughts
I have like a bajillion thoughts racing through my mind, so I’m just going to pour them out here before I put them off and none of them ever get written.
Thought One:
I am so grateful for my family and home. Even though I’m probably the most stressed I’ve ever been about all kinds of adult shit, I am also the most at peace I’ve ever been. It’s so beautiful to experience. It’s so beautiful to love and be loved.
Just the other day I was having a really, really hard day and I was just breaking down crying when I felt overstimulated/too tired. Trevor saw me upset and without question grabbed the babes and went out just to get me a little treat from Kwik Trip. It made me feel so appreciative. Like a little simple “it’s going to be alright.”
Remi also has been especially sweet lately. I forgot exactly what he handed me, but he handed me something he had and said “Here you go, Mom. This is for you because I love you so much and you’re the best mom ever.” And it’s that kind of shit. That kind of shit just gets me, man.
Ryder’s dope too, I don’t want to leave him out. He’s so chonky and growing into himself so much. It’s awesome.
Thought Two:
A friend of mine just published a book, and man…it’s just so cool to see. It’s so cool that there are these people around me just fucking doing their own thing, and creating these beautiful pieces of work in time. I love to see it, and I love to be apart of it through experiencing their art. I know so many people forming so many different types of creations, and I’m just so proud. And not only through, like, paint and music and books but just through existing.
Through breathing art.
I’m so happy to see so many people want to do better, create a better life, seek peace, seek more. I know they make my world better just by being in it, so I just love that maybe I’m helping someone love the world they’re in too. Making the world a better place, one day at a time. One person at a time.
My people truly are art.
Thought Three:
I just finished the second book (The Drawing of the Three) of The Dark Tower Series, and it is just so beautiful. The entire wrap up toward the end really was impeccable. Seeing the growth between the first book in the series and the second inspires me so damn much. Also seeing the connections between the two. Love cool shit so much. My favorite book has always been The Name of the Wind by Patrick Rothfuss, but this might try to compete.
Thought Four:
Upload is a wildly good show, but why the fuck does the female lead look so different in this season compared to the last two seasons? I looked it up, and I swear nobody says it’s a different actress and I think it even said the main actress’ name and had a dash next to the year she started, meaning she’s still currently in the show — but I don’t know lmfao, I’m feeling lazy right now and it’s just on and I don’t feel like looking it up to confirm or deny. But she did not look like this in my head in the previous seasons, but maybe I’m trippin’.
Thought Five:
Sometimes, when my brain is really playin’ tricks on me…I think I am a fraud. I think everything I do sucks, and any praise ever given to me is because I am slow or autistic or something and people feel bad for me. Like, people are just pretending to be nice to me but in reality they hate everything I do and my photos/book/poems/podcast are just one big shithole. Especially when people praise my work in messages but don’t leave reviews or whatever...then I freak out, like oh am I just mentally disabled? Ok. Like, I know it’s a trick of the brain but the brain can be a really powerful little thing.
Thought Six:
I’ll probably actually make a separate blog post about this one. Maybe.
But maybe not.
Okay, nevermind. I don’t feel like it.
It can be wrapped up in this one, but man I HATE SOCIAL MEDIA AND MARKETING.
I am not somebody who likes being actively on social media, aside from when I post some shit on my page in the moment or I quickly upload to my stories.
But trying to actively think about like…marketing my “brand” in reels or a certain way is so stressful. And don’t even get me started on Tik Tok, lmfao.
Even trying to compile the shit I want to post to make it pretty enough for my page on Insta or my website. Like isn’t a simple picture good enough anymore? LOL.
I just feel like there are so many things nowadays. So many layers.
Like, if you want people to see your art you have to be good at video editing and which platform to use and voiceovers and when to upload. So many little details that can make you better, and as somebody who likes to know everything about something I get really fucking overwhelmed. And then I decide to say fuck it, I’m just going to post my dumb little picture without all this extra shit because I want to spend my time making art and not doing this bull...but then I feel guilty, because I know I can do better FOR my art. Lmfao. I don’t know.
Publishing my own book surely fucking taught me why people don’t publish their own books, lmfao. There are so many different jobs that are apart of a successful book launch (the editor, the publisher for details, the designer for the cover, the marketer), and when you decide to do it on your own you decide to take on the roles of all of those things. It’s wild. It’s a learning curve. I’m trying to find balance in it.
But we goin. We doin. We grateful.
We got this.
Goodnight. <3
